The first time I really understood this, years ago, was through one very simple thing: time. When I say let's meet at three, I'm usually there ten minutes early. The person with ADHD I'm talking about, however, was almost always there ten minutes late, if not more. For several years, this was very difficult for me. It's not something I ever do, and for a long time I thought it was simply because they didn't value my time. I sat and waited while they seemed to live their life as they pleased.
The reality was completely different. They just lose track of time. They start something and don't even notice when an hour and a half has passed and they should have been out of the house 25 minutes ago. It's not by deliberate disregard, it's their brain that just doesn't keep track of time the same way mine does.
If you feel the same way, you know exactly what I'm talking about: constant lateness, forgotten appointments, messages that take days to respond to, or if they even respond at all (yes, it's happened to me many times that I have to remind myself "hey, you haven't responded to me in 2 days"). It feels like you're not on the same page at all, and you're tempted to think that they don't care about you or is indifferent to you. In my experience, most of the time, that's not the case.
When behavior seems intentional but isn't
The behavior of a person with ADHD often seems like deliberate negligence, “if they cared, they would remember,” but in reality it is a peculiarity of the executive functions of the brain, not negligence. This does not mean that your feelings and frustration are not justified, because they are. But understanding the mechanism behind it will help you respond differently than just being offended, at least it has helped me immensely.
What does this mean for you?
When you live with or are in a relationship with someone with ADHD (as a partner, close friend, family member), you often carry an invisible burden: reminders, plans, expectations, and often constant disappointments. It's exhausting, and it's completely understandable. You have a right to feel disappointed, even if you realize that the behavior is not intentional.
How do I cope with this?
I learned to cope with the differences in our perception of time with several small habits.
- If we have a meeting, I text them the night before that we're still meeting. Why? Because it often happens that they either forget or accidentally have several things planned at the same time.
- If I start moving somewhere, I let them know and ask them to do the same. This creates a small communication loop for both sides. Why? Because they may say they are on their way, but gradually lose track of time, e.g. staying longer to talk to someone, getting lost looking for things, changing clothes, or doing something else that takes their focus away. Sometimes, of course, even though it takes 20 minutes to get there, they somehow think they'll get there in 5 minutes (don't ask how that can be, but the perception of time can really be a completely mysterious phenomenon in ADHD at different times).
At the same time, I have had to be careful not to take responsibility for them. I don't want to create a sense of helplessness where they are no longer responsible for their own time, because then I will lose both time and my nerves. This issue of taking responsibility is still a journey, I am certainly not there yet, but at the moment, I am based on my own feelings - how important our planned (or if an ADHDer reads this: possible plan) activity is to me and how much it emotionally demands from me to remind them.
But my biggest lesson is that in the end, you have to talk. If something bothers you, you have to say it. That's the only way we can agree on a way that works for both of us, so that I don't feel like I'm being overworked and they don't feel like I'm demanding a rigid punctuality from them that doesn't come naturally to them. And of course, I always have to be prepared for the fact that there are things they can't do and wont do, and I actually have the same right.
What would I recommend to others today?
If you live in constant irritation and anger that someone doesn't show up on time or value your time, and you keep it all to yourself, this feeling will quickly escalate. A snowball effect will occur: they didn't show up, it means they don't care, it means they don't love me, it means I'm not important to them. This chain of thought goes in an endless circle, and you're still the one who's irritated and restless. It's important to know yourself, your limits, and at the same time be curious about the other person.
The only thing that really helps is to express yourself, and you can do it gently, so that both parties feel good. When I open up to the other person about my thoughts, feelings, and needs, instead of keeping it to myself, I get a lot less irritated. And when I don't keep things inside, that irritability doesn't carry over into my interactions with other people. So when something bothers me, I try to express it at the right time and place, instead of letting it build up.
How can I help?
I support loved ones of people with ADHD who are looking for better understanding and ways to cope in everyday life. I don't give ready-made solutions or tell you what your relationship should look like, but I help you understand your feelings and find ways to stay in the relationship without losing yourself. Read more, What is peer counseling? and how it can help you in your daily life.
If you feel like talking about it, get in touch.
Recommended reading
- Distracted thoughts. Causes and recovery from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder – Gabor Maté. Written more from the perspective of the person with ADHD, but helps to understand what is really going on in the mind of a loved one – also a valuable read for a partner or family member.
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